Daybreak

me n my seasonal mood disorder:

winter: manic in a depressive way

spring: manic in a hopeful way 

summer: manic in a manic way

fall: manic in a nostalgic way

~~~~

The biggest culture shock was not anything Virginia showed me. Pretty much, all of my flexible expectations were met from the farm. I gardened in bare feet; looked after the homeschool children; became the culinary artist known as Jade Made Flave; had more than one romantic/sexual experience; and wrote my heart out in poetry and memoirs about living inside The Fishbowl. The community did a super job in catering my experience to prove their “provisional 6 month membership”  with me as the experience I joined for. The culture shock was from me to them - who is this alien who moved onto our land?

Practicing stoicism, listening to my music, dressing in my interesting wardrobe in dyed pitch-black hair, posting my avant garde illustrations and creative writing publicly, and speaking in language/concepts so foreign when trying to bridge friendships, it felt like our ears were english but, within the words, a hollow absence of context blocked real connection.

i intentionally walked around barefoot in the winter there, to embody the idea that the vibrations between myself and the raw earth are healing (spiritual youtube videos and I were great friends at this time). Plus, i like to think of this place as a hippie commune, so let me be that? But, when my communard’s concern came out to be that i could’ve been too impoverished for a pair of decent shoes, it was the first of many misunderstandings between myself and the natives. Every time i was “doin’ me” for the sake of working on my health and having fun, i outed myself as someone they couldn’t help or handle.

It was the emo music that shook the culture to its core.

My intention to change and raise my vibration was balanced by the act of putting on some of my favorite music. A lot of new habits i initiated in my fresh start here now, and some routines i kept - that is the blend of loving yourself in all your formations, across personal generations. I quietly streamed Taking Back Sunday as a pump-up song before heading to my shift at the tofu factory. And my housemate in the room next to mine was concerned i might’ve been a demon. Like, lol, i kinda am, but a friendly one.

As i stayed true to my nature, things between my character and the company grew curious. One of the deal-sealers that reeled me to join was that the commune does in fact have a scene for Paganism. It’s a group of folks who socialize in Rituals - small events where we invoke the elements of air, water, earth, and fire, & cast animism upon our awareness. We’d sing-a-long songs about Mother Earth and Nature’s Divinity, wear unique costumes for the festive occasions (think faes, witches/warlocks, mythical beings), & all the tarot, runes, and astrology a gurl like me could ever please. Non-religious but sensibly mystical, these gatherings were always a highlight of having the privilege to live there. 

Now, it was my sigil making that took their paganistic practice by storm. No one in the commune identified as an artist, nor had they any real sense of what that title could mean. Do you make money from selling? Wtf is going on in that Beautiful Mind of yours that manifests what my eyes are eating? I can answer your questions in a single sentence - no and im schizophrenic.

Holy shyt- we heard that you hear voices that aren't really there and you are violent. Omg - my personal Revolution is calling out and curing this. With the benefit of the doubt, im always able to prove myself worthy. Destigmatizing the human condition, and abolishing systems that keep us from our natural vibrations, that’s wtf that brought me out here today.

Now, this where i boast about my talent to tie South Jesey, LA, and The South all together, to make perfect sense. There is muuuch to be said, but the most essential point is that I was able to take the mental illness jersey delivered me to california & it got infinitely better through the experience of Standup Comedy and Falling In Love. I'm on the farm in the countryside still living in that. So, when you see me with my earbuds in streaming Motion City Soundtrack, giggling under my breath at a thought-track memory, you know Everything Is Alright.

Oh. We never heard of like, using mental illness as a means to makeup the humor which alleviates it. What a fascinating concept, Professor Tyde. We all joined here because mental illness has ruined us from anywhere but here. Wow. Your education is enlightening. 

I proceeded my teaching with the concept of Solipsism as a subscription for inventing one’s Identity, and have that identity be your base relational expression. With that source, you can have profound substance in your existence, necessary for the ability to make comedy and sigils. I explained that Jade Etcetera Tyde, at this point in my story, is the name of the content of my character, while Kristine Coleman is the material of the human i am. Oh. We thought you were much dumber than all that.

A Kundalini Awakening. A Spiritual Emergency. A bipolar lifestyle leading to an episode so breathtaking, I met Death, and am Lucky enough to live to tell the tale. 

~”My friends are always tryna get me to go out on the town with them. 

*mocking*: maria why dontcha come out we’ll have so much fun! girrrls niiight!* 

Sorry i can’t. I’m filthy. 

*persuading*: well then take a shower!

ITS ON THE INSIDE.”

Another draw of the commune for me was their enthusiastic relationship with dirt. The aesthetic of the community is woodlands and farming. The natives represent it. It’s like a tiny town built inside a forest. So, kinda cool, you can understand why that environment was appealing for me, a naturalist. In general, people there wear earth tones, cutoff jeans, overalls, boots, thrift shop fashion and cheap styles, inside a vow that our community uniform is based on the notion that clothing can be cool yet it’s simply to cover up. We are egalitarian; we want to physically look it. Dressing functionally more than fashionably, i respect their notion. We’d get our lil farm missions accomplished in light snow, rain, blazing humidity, and ideal conditions - in drag as sylvan serfs.

So you wanna be a pagan. So you wanna embrace the scenery. And the icing on the cake which ‘sold me home’ there was their marketing of, and exemplary, Feminism. 

One of the fundamental reasons people land, for a chapter or a lifetime, at the community is The Rejection of Mainstream American Culture. The binding thread of members is their will to live and work here as a result of the unsubscription from certain aspects of society outside this one. Or, in fairness, because i went there for this in some ways as well, i should say that the members' will to live there is justified by the abolition of hope for a lifestyle elsewhere.

I found out in living there temporarily, binding their middle finger to the man, the community members don’t like waking up to an alarm clock, taking a shower, driving to a minimum wage customer service job, doing mundane and meaningless work in corporate settings, in roles which do not actively make them feel happy to be there, clock out for a lunch break, eat mcdonalds, drive back home, to a place that has its own set of problems like family members who have issues with each other or passive aggressive housemates, and binge watch netflix, all just to pay rent so you can fuel this unattractive cycle. That’s the effin patriarchy, maaannn. *takes a toke* And I wholeheartedly agree!

I identify as bisexual woman because i have a fine relationship with my parents and had fun during college (that is a niche joke but those that get it do). Being queer and trans evolved subsequently from the movement of people coming out of the closet. Which i legitimately love and respect, and believe is needed as a piece of the revolution i'm living in. I aim to diversify the ways people of the planet present, and be inclusive of 8 billion one-of-kinds, in my authentic role defined as an artist and female, inside and out. 

The commune pulls in many, many, lgbtqt people because part of their rejection to the mainstream has been the struggle of being a minority. An unfortunate reality is i have made friends with peers whose parents have disowned them for homosexuality. I have made friends with people who cannot obtain a safe housing situation or get hired because of who they are and how they look or speak. It’s the emotionality in the negative parts of not being “straight” - guilt and shame, internal confusion, socialization troubles, isolation, fear of how, and who, in choosing your ‘tribe’, and the worst - unrequited love or a love lost. Yo, anybody who's found a haven in these Egalitarian woods based on unconditional acceptance- i feel for yas. That is one true trait of my old intentional community - that it can take care of you in the most suitable ways in spite of how dumb elsewhere has been.

But wait. There is another breath. At the end of the day, while some of the evils may be on the loose in the world, I cannot rightly call myself a quitter on The Culture of Mainstream America. Because a fortunate reality is: there’s abundant energy for it working in my favor.

My mistakes are real, but, i have never lost my Rights. Ventura was evangelical; Virginia was political.

My mind has long been lost lol, nonetheless, i am capable of functioning in the mainstream. Im not legally blocked out of ‘the system’. No, im not evicted or homeless; im not drown in inescapable debt, im not on the run from crimes, or in violation a code that prevents me from having my own sense of freedom. I even am so privileged to have a “biofam” (born into family) who gives a fat rat’s ass about me, even tho i look and act a lil bit crae~crae. i just wanna go to my post-grad university here, unplug from the internet for a bit, and get outta my moms cigarette smellin’ apartment. maybe make a lil luv. just here doing my time, and being myself. Well, my audience knew that was what they needed to hear. She’s like, overqualified. 

Basically, if you don’t need to live and work here, you can’t. Fair enough. Like, it’s a hostel here too so go back to the American Culture you apparently have a loving relationship with and thrive because you can’t survive on this team. And good thing too, because once the Bright Eyes song Everyone Must Belong Somewhere instills itself in your heartbeat, you can catch me wearing my snail shell backpack alive thivin' anywhere, a sublime buddha-babe who loves ppl enuf to make myself disappear sideways whenever appropriate, then reappear elsewhere in a Home where my artistry is more than tolerated- it’s celebrated.     

What’s meant for you won’t miss you. :)

I liked my staycation in VA, but it ain’t no destiny of mine to reside physically there, nor even at all mentally as well. All of my service owed to the commune has been masterfully executed, and i certainly appreciate all their service right back. 

My former bf, well let’s just say i am an obsessive type and he is a diehard type. 

His cause was, is, and will forever be, the intentional community. Listen, in Y2K, his chosen commitment was to energize this community project as a livelihood literally until the end of time no matter any obstacle. During the live story he played out with me, his truest embodied philosophy is like, 

~’i am not an individual person; i am an Organization; my strongest dependence is in living and working as a manager for this corporation. Nothing trumps my relationship as a member of this community. My attachment is fixed. I Will commute on a 12 hour trainride bothways on a weekly basis for our loving partnership. Yet really, im too far taken in and tied up with my band, to deliver the intimacy you need.”

Good thing too, because it was this sentiment that sparked my line of reasoning to remember my own deeply rooted cause - my Love(s).

My whole thing is like,

~”all the world is mySelfhood; i am a Slave to my art. my intuition guides me where my presence is essential. Nothing can override my devotion to my Intuition. My connection to my people is REAL and cannot fade away. I Will do anything possible, and even achieve impossibilities, to be in utopian alignment with my senses of Love(s).”

See how we always dated each other, as each other, lol. Same same but different, ya kno. Im very proud of our mutual decision to let each other bloom within the context best designed for our honest highest calling. Ring ring hellooo its me, someone who introduced laughter to those who believed they lost the rights to it. Damn ma’m, Ty. 

Thank god/dess i married a redneck and acquired massive credit card debt!; that jawn made me the Powerhouse i absolutely am destined for.;)