Daybreak

The world needs a good diss track. ;^]

There are essentially 3 points which sustain the patriarchy:

• No one will remember
• Nothing lasts forever
• Everybody is looking for someone to use

My recent experience is reflective of my schizophrenia; in specific, my “disability” characterized by obsessive thought patterns. In admitting reasons why things are as they are personally, we discover our most profound strengths. When people can understand how and why to live in ways which their nature feels honored, we are enabled to presently live in a safe haven… a mental place, that supersedes the suffering caused by disabilities, through viewing the occurrence as an opportunity to serve back what has been served to you.

I can write my story and have myriads of relatable points to prove its value, and that may promote Peace on a personal and global level. The voices in my brain are directing this thinkpiece. Because of an online movement dubbed “Me Too”, this exposure might heal those reading. Because when the power truth speaks to the hearts of humanity, we all stand a fair chance of enjoying ourselves here now. 

Like flippin’ everyone, i think my ex is stupid, and because i work for children, being unemployed today means to focus on certain ideas and concepts which i believe are old factors of the world before Now. 

    When shit hits the fan, all we can do is deal. Right? Sorry to hear about your sucky experience… life goes on. My mission is to prevent sucky experiences. Let’s refuse to answer our problems with ‘what’s done is done’ ever again. Can they give you money to alleviate your pain? Can they give you drugs to alleviate your pain? Can you move to a new town or city and hide the past? Or my favorite - can we take advantage of your ignorance and lack of language/concepts to make this shitty ceiling feel bearable? Here is some horror lore for my fans: before May Fifteenth Twenty Twenty Four, there were no Moral Laws. Then a delusional woman named I-  Jade Tyde; akakristinecoleman, wrote a blog post & she started to see things better, like nothing happened other than her elevated perspective from the execution of studying magic(k) and writing as a tool, but turns out, that’s all that’s necessary for a hometown revolution (or at least my sensory experience of one). 

Everyone’s playing field is to be in a service position. We all gotta learn that despite wearing a uniform, your human quality is equal to mine. Police, I feel sorrow that your chosen job is to overpower citizens. I’m tall - men have hated me for it. 

One time, i got pulled over for a hogwash reason - “i scanned your plates and it looks like your registration is expired.” I had weed in the car (the year was 2012 the place was camden county new jersey). The cop asked me to step out of the vehicle. When i did, i towered over him. Instantly, this was an unforgettable power exchange. The bald man was about 5’8 And I 5’11. The energy was obvious - a beautiful and talented young lady, and a pig. 

“Put your hands on the vehicle.” He had a gun on, and felt threated by my aura. 

This was the worst unwanted exchange i ever experienced so far at that point in my life. 

Failure to comply would result in worse punishment. Sorry about your Napoleon Complex - the psychological phenomena i learned in community college whereby men who are short display actions or take on roles wherein their ability to feel powerful can grow. Coined from the popular european explorer Napoleon himself, who stood only about 5’7, but conquered much land with his status and army.

Stereotypes about society are for the best and the worst, reality. Women been socialized smaller, or belittled. When that expectation is deviated from, comfort zone crushing causes drama.

“You are under arrest for this dime bag of shake.” said the cop.

Not sorry for party rockin’, loser. i did not say. 

I worked about 30 hours a week at my dad’s pizzeria to pay for, “getting this expunged from your record”. Since i just started my career as a Youth Fitness Instructor, i really didn’t wanna not get hired because im a stoner off the clock, especially too since this college ride is starting to fizzle out my interest. When i went to court to pay my fine, which was $1,000, i went to swipe my debit card, and the judge literally told me to walk to Wawa across the street, tap mac [take out money from an atm machine] and pay for this in cash. Pissed the frick off at this whole system, i obeyed, just so i could keep on being a youth fitness instructor, because being broke and homeless was not a desirable alternative.

It is with my instilled memory of this trauma that i write today. When pot is legal. When money is outed as the root of all evil. Where time definitely heals, responsibility is your manifestation of your lesson pursued. 

My ex partner and his companion, Spot Etal, came to be my examples of how I walked so that People Everywhere could run.

Please scroll up to refresh your memory about the 3 points they are extremely guilty of. Thanks to my colleague in the field, we unlock three bullets which are the sentiments we gotta stop living in.

Couldn’t make this up if i tried. The required reading in my psychology class “The Minds of Billy Milligan”, was a book that changed my life. When i met Spot Etal, we were certainly on the right track… and kinda were every step of the way too, in both our defenses. However, where doctors and lawyers are stumped, it’s the beautiful and talented young lady who wins this case in moral court.

The number one Moral Code Spot was, is, and forever will be, in abject violation of is: Disgust Disturbia. Because the number one Value to live in is Beauty.

All my geriatric dawg did residing here was binge stream the national news. Like my ex partner, their “political activism” meant hearing stories about Donald Trump raping, stormi daniels being seventeen years old, abortion bans, covid vaccine problems, and the entire bullshit series in following that toxic reality tv. The background noise i always tuned out was doable, but it doesn’t mean the psyche of Spot & Pax is at the core very very broken, busted, irreversibly damaged, and a catalyst to an improved tomorrow.

The details i know about the man Spot and his insane life are incomparable to say, me listening to melodic hardcore music. The level of his insanity, now based on his relationship with me, is not an artistic expression or an instance of honest goodness gone bad. His abrasive lack of care for his abusive tendencies are labeled and accepted as, “just a dog being a dog”. The main problem is that an initial crime is allowed to persist- with the incorrect assumption that because it has happened and is over, all we can do is verify it and move on. Which unfortunately creates the mentality- now that heaven is out of the way, imma live a life of sin.

Spot is an ugly person. It is an objective fact. He got his disability money direct deposit because he exhibits physical signs of mental illness. Pax is also fairly ugly. Ya kno me and my rosy glasses and a common fault of seeing what i wanted to in someone rather who they actually are. I tried energizing Values - being courteous, acting empathetic, keeping just enough sense of peace to feel aight…  these lesser important and old/expired Values had a cocky queen making the most of all that was there. 

Hopefully, in the New World, physicality matters foremost when selecting tribes. 

It’s just a funny joke about someone being hot and money as a thing, until it’s not funny, when mutual hurt is the sentiment that people can categorize resources and emotions, assigning the meaning to suffice their own needs. Well, the disease is the cure… 

Yo, it’s the word LOVE. 

The ultimate hustle has been using the concept of love as a means to spread its opposite. While i admit to having had my own idea of Love in relation to Earl and SpotDog, our problem was not being IN love. Our telepathy was there but it wasn’t the dope high i got living in california. Our image passed but it wasn’t the feeling i then thought might’ve been my own illusory doing based on the silly lifestyle i had at the initial onset of my state of being in love with MySelf. Does that make sense? Like i never climbed to love like the love i’ve known. 

FEAR. im afraid to tell the dog to stop simping at my feet; when he touched me i literally felt a terribly negative puncture; i spent 3 years in my own home disturbed by his alter ego shifting into an animal. Can i open up about the gnarly details it meant? 

This 65 year old man, 5’8 in height, would lie stomach down on the floor while i wrote poetry and illustrated at my desk. His heavy breathing was the worst. He figuratively was the boy with the glasses who stalked helga pataki in the nickelodeon show. Helga punched this creep in the face episode after episode, in the comical cartoon. But, if i reacted, his alter ego would turn into Kaliban - his terrorist entity. Kaliban came out when i lived with him is Charlottesville - Spot screamed obscenities at me and beat the crap out of the furniture. But, ya know, that’s just a dissociative identity disorder being himself. What can you do, it is what it is, oh well, life goes on.

Spot touching me felt like I was getting backhanded in the head. His gross paws would ping me and i always showed with my body language that i didn’t like or want that at all. He followed me into the basement, posted himself at the bong, and waited for me at the door when i got in from my jobs. My message was crystal clear- ew, i hate dogs. But he never quit brushing up against me to cop a cheap feel. Can i just work 40+ hours a week and escape having to have a housemate? Im between a rock and hard place with this dog jerking off in front of me. I open up to Pax about the awful nature of the household, and of course oh well it just is what it is. Sorry not interested in solving issues, just ignoring them and looking at silver linings until this situationship takes its toll.

Well here’s the toll. Me finally speaking up. To whom? My memoirs! Available now! Extra extra read all about it - some men are trash omg no news YET can we use capital punishment as an excuse to show future generations we triumphed beyond evil to coexist here in a practically perfect state of harmony… idk maybe im just as crazy as yall.

How can we measure, weigh, or gauge, the content of character within a human? Ive been twerkin on my philosophies for many moons. Fortunately, records can indicate who you are. Furthermore, let’s go ahead and factorize that Spot is, in the eyes of medical professionals and the law, a DOG. He energized his case to come out victorious as a fuckin dog. Whatever, let freedom ring. So, let’s first assess how I am guilty of being myself, then we have ammo against the creepy canine.

 I appreciate this frienda mine because i apply the term friend too loosely. I appreciate how serious he says and shows that he will be there in support for me no matter what (i do not know why but yes and). Im glad i can have more time to do what i like doing because our financial pairing makes sense. My boyfriend and i and you are a fine trio, all things considered, and better than just the two of us since one is the loneliest number. I guess that’s all… a vague person who can exist alongside me as i pursue my best life. He might’ve thought i would be into his animal identity; there are furries, and bdsm and dom/sub connotations about what he was really looking for; but long before we met, one of my strongest personality traits is that i do not like dogs as domesticated pets.

I do not appreciate a society where i am silenced. One of the scariest realities is that the commune had never known what the internet is. The patriarchy kept them blind. This added insult to my wholesome authenticity. The king of the intentional community, despite his strong online presence, never let them know about porn. Is it okay if this story gets too out of hand? 

Spot has a history of assault. Too bad you can just move to a different state, from off grid minnesota to the south to the midwest to NYC. You can even erase your documents and start fresh, with blank slate people who are at work. When abusers hide in the ignorance of a single target or the masses, it’s gonna be the woke folks who rescue us.

Thank goodness the disease and the cure can play into one another. Due to me - a specifier of my psychosis.

There’s healthy intergenerational relationships. Then there was nasty ass dogs and paxus calta. I know what i know i don’t know what i don’t equally so. I’m fine. In fact if it’s one thing about me, i was, AM, and will always be just fine. I can associate to timeless good memories; i have never lost the light at the end of a window; my personal feelings are manageable by me, and intelligent. So, this story will not go untold for the sake of me being mother theresa lol.

And so, as this is only the very beginning, imma pause writing this chapter for today. 10/10 pages so far, i wanna be mindful that i feel in a good place to go out for my air ritual in a walk around the river. Spot had Elizabeth as one of his alter egos - occasionally, his vocal tone would shift into a noticeable accent, and he’d go off on elaborate monologues about what it was like living in “the renaissance era”. Collingswood saw this man juggle. And prolly understood him accurately like a jester for my standup comedy entertainment & science experiments. Breakups are when all your sweet memories turn bitter, and when what was once true fades into an illusion that you start thinking you’re supposed to expose so that all them kids at my balloon stand grow up to the best of what it all is, since their awesome ass parents paved the road to here with fantastic intentions.