Daybreak

In Spring of 2022, we’re back in action returning to our balloon biz after a winter of hibernation. This year, we knew what we were getting into, and had a solid archetype for linework at street fairs. I even learned a new skill - making and modeling balloon dresses - from a tutorial video I downloaded to understand the technique. 

My dresses were simple but still had an impressive effect. I made one to wear at Transformus, a regional burningman festival my then bf and i went to, and my fashion statement was a talk of the town. I made one to host a Talent Show in, at the twin oaks Queer Gathering, a camping event with many friends and fun activities. I made one to snap a pic of and put on my new and improved business card. Things were looking bright for my entrepreneurship in the arts. My talent is specific… I’m not the best at knowing how to make 600 designs; My service is seeing 600 kids get a balloon at a carnival with a thousand people at it. Shine on, crazy diamond.

We were financially afloat, but earning every dollar on the Saturdays and Sundays kept my monday thru fridays open. I decided it might be entertaining to see what opportunities corporate america could have in store for me. I made a proud resume, and sent a couple replies to indeed.com offers. When landing a gig is not dependent on a paycheck, I saw myself doing an extracurricular for the sake of making friendships. Sense of community was my inspiration, rather than eighteen bucks an hour. And I’m ever still looking for a new partner, where many couples meet at work and the social settings accompanied with it. Honestly too, I just love my damn self so much, it would, classically, be funny to see what kind of shenanigans I would get into.

The most perfect promotion fell into my hands. While babysitting entitled me as Ms. Jade… it was my initiation as Coach Jade which forever made the incredible woman who writes this today. 

Two companies got back to me, so I decided to take both. A morning gig and a night one… let’s have some fun! These late summer roles would time me in for a September back to school position, to remain ongoing. Being a Coach meant going to various schools throughout the county to teach soccer; and also commuting to Philly for after school and evening recreation gymnastics. 

Soccer was me being a charlatan. Lol. Literally never played soccer a day in my life, before I got interested in the company and liked the guys who hired me. The curriculum was something I can do - a children’s actress with a ground ball - and the schedule was a good routine for me to get in the groove of. Gymnastics teaching was a love of mine from a past life. I also never grew up involved in gymnastics, but coaching kids under 10 years old happened to be a job I excelled in. The center that hired me was a woman-owned company, with all ladies within my age range and personality type employed there. We vibed decently with each other the whole time. Until my life changed forever, again.

My ex partner ruined me. Obviously I consistently rose higher from the ashes he destroyed me to, but life shouldn’t be a cycle of defeat and rising. Cheating on someone and using the word ‘polyamory’ is the reason Earl is ugly from the inside out. Having discreet sexual relations with someone, without my knowledge for an unknown length of time, is not ‘many loves’... it’s a piece of trash man, using people, exhibiting addiction, causing trauma, and abusing my own ideas against me without remorse. This man is guilty of sexually abusing women, then needed to counsel them about it over the course of time, and calling that a relationship. Giving them drugs, living inside a structure where moneyless nomads stop in then brainwashing them, and hiding around the world excusing your absence with other priorities you claim matter but is really only your hustle to escape an actual relationship. It ain’t no hippie commune irl; it’s a date rapist’s hotel.

It was on my birthday that Earl came out and told me, not asked me, not had a discussion with me, but dictated that another person and him were sleeping together. Happy birthday?!? His abuse was intentional. His confession was like, ‘’just so u know, i got a bitch down south, so i don’t really care about you.” It spiraled to sound to the effect, “i just want a bitch to get stuck on the farm with me. to keep her with safe housing within my organization, that’s why I market twin oaks as a commune. Jade, I don't like how you are a powerful woman. I’m not looking for that. My new bitch is quiet, uneducated, and wants to join a cult. That’s my match. This whole Jersey scene and how good you are in it, you’re not my type, as you might’ve been at first, but our story led you to outgrew my intentions with you. I just need a sex worker to live in my open house.”  Is this pOlYaMoRy jesus fuckin christ I was so disgusted. And it showed.

I snapped. I knew this person, and she actually did try to be friendly with me at first, but she was unattractive so off my radar. It’s, sorry Im going to be BrutallyHonestMeantine, the kind of chick who’s vibe is like, ‘im a slut; im just a pretty face; i really do not have any talents or abilities which make me me; I am what's wrong with women in the world. I'm a blank slate never painted. Oh and like drugs lol let's party’. I rejected her demeanor on a personal level because goddess almighty, I’m the opposite. Holy mole I ran away to California to not be an identity-less object. And that’s what you’re selling here? I came to Virginia to be the creative genius I am from Self-Love, and earn people respectfully through that. You know when you're at a flea market and you see a knockoff Coach Purse, like it has the $500 logo slightly edited and it’s for sale for like $20. That was this bitch… fake fetching. When I’m the real deal, MFs.

Okay one more burn then I’ll cool off. The number one facet of an intergenerational relationship is the prerequisite of living and experiencing the beauty of SoCal. It’s me, cali dreamer and goal achiever, being swept away by attractive people - all ages. And in comedy clubs where half the main material is men and women being truthful and funny about dating across 20s -60s. It’s me, who was activated by the chemistry and a candidate in the classrooms, who qualifies my vision and thus intentions. 

It is NOT omg lol a whore from FLORIDA of all places, where the number one stereotype is “FloridaMan” and Retired Creeps, who made it to nearby rural Virginia, to have the eyes for, in the right-minded capacity, the idea of dating good-looking older guys. Nope!

Can I scream from atop a mountain for the movement - it’s not the quality of age that gets ya, it’s the visibility of a person exactly where they’re at in life, and your intuitive view of it as attractive. Basically, it’s a guy who was hot in his younger years, and never lost it. Basically, it’s a woman naturally beautiful who will only get hotter. It’s people whose personality is of course depictive of their age and that’s a turn on, either direction. 

When my old bf and his new “gf” were together, i knew they were not the values, in rose-colored-glasses, the beauty I aimed so hard for us to be. I didn’t feel copied, I felt like I was now in a relationship I didn't wanna be in. The worst of not only poly, but specifically an assault against my mind about my partnership being prideful. It’s a straight whore and guy who’ll provide her basic needs, using sex as a component for their nasty knowing of one another. Insulted beyond belief, my fun was over. Violated good-nature had me broken down… in an emergency way.

After he ruined my life/weekend and left on Sunday night, I immediately got sick. Monday morning I woke up physically unwell. I started feeling light headed, and cold sweats, and fatigued. I asked Spot to drive with me down the road to Rite-Aid, just to be a copilot driver because I was dizzy. I thought I had Covid. I went to get a covid test.

I walked into the store, and the bright lights hurt my body. I asked the cashier which aisle the covid tests were in, and they told me. As I walked to the aisle, my vision got blurry. My leg muscles felt deteriorating. I collapsed to the ground. I blacked out.

I woke up from what felt like a brief moment of hard sleep. I was laying on my back, on the ground, outside of the store, in the entrance on the sidewalk. A pharmacist, the cashier, Spot, and a pedestrian were all standing overlooking down on me. 

“IM SORRY!” I shrieked moving myself from laying flat to sitting.

“You are okay.” said the woman dressed in a lab coat, the pharmacist.

“What?” My bearings were gone.

“You fainted.” she informed me.

“Im sorry, it’s scary for us all, I’m sick.” my memory was there.

“Do we have your consent to call an ambulance and take you to the emergency room? She kindly asked.

“Yes, please. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 

I told Spot to walk home, and the ambulance arrived within 5 minutes. My body was weak, and they asked a few questions. Concurring this was not an overdose of any kind, they let me walk into the ER, where I was quickly taken care of. 

“You do not have covid.” A doctor who read my chart from some tests let me know good news. 

“Okay. I don’t know what happened, I was fine on Saturday but yesterday I got pretty upset and first thing this morning I was ill.”

“You have Influenza.”

“Oh, the flu?”

“Yes. I’m prescribing you medicine. Take as directed. I will provide a doctor's note for your employers. A week of rest. 2 to 3 weeks until fully recovered.”

“Okay. Thank you.” 

I walked from the hospital back to my parked car at the Rite-Aid, another one of my superhero feats. From googlemaps walking directions in 30 mins, to where my prescription was ready inside. I paid for it, and drove home, to begin resetting and restoring my health.

My ex called. He heard from our dog that I fainted in the rite-aid. I told him Im taking this week off from coaching. He said I will see you on Friday, like usual.

Female hysteria was, for me, with consideration of all my many mental episodes, a catalyst for an improved life. 

While I didn't breakup with pax then and there, it was in part because I genuinely had sensed myself anew after my fainting. With my slight emotional amnesia from how pissed off I got earlier, pax returned that weekend in a form I hadn't known him in. He was sensibly sorry for causing my mental trauma which manifested physically. He connected the dots - I'm cheating, being discreet, and attacking who you are as a person, so you flip out - he expressed to me he knew his fault sparked this episode.  

We went from breakup to makeup in the month of October. He treated me like a queen. Don’t worry Jade, I’m sorry, she was just a meaningless side piece. I still wanna make a couple thousand with you in balloon cash until our season finale. I still wanna enjoy what we enjoy together. Chick on the farm is placed on the sidelines, but you’re my gold. Can we make it work?

I never officially agreed to it. But I let it play out. It was our planned “Baecation”, or vacation with your boo, that bought us time. My aunt offered us her timeshare in The Bahamas last June, and we booked a vacation for November. Damnit, between being murdered on my birthday and our invested trip mid-november, I just ran the clock. We really had like 8 booked balloon gigs, on top of our weekly saturday set-in-stone show, between Autumn craft fairs and Halloween time. You're not my bf at this point in the story - you're like my gay best friend I’m hiring to allow me to pursue my artist career. That status stayed with me until the day we really did break up last February.

Our sex life was halted by me at this point too. Broken trust, and the idea that if ur fucking someone else and im not, hatred is felt, righteously. A man with two women who don’t bang anyone other than him isnt poly, it’s a symptom of a man’s abusive tendencies. But damnit do i cut myself off from my inborn right as a healthy adult?! No, better than nobody at all, i made sure i managed our sex life in a way I wouldn’t get taken advantage of. It wasn’t that we stopped having sex entirely - i simply refused to advance with my desires, and we got into the habit of doing the same thing when we did fuck like two or three times a week. Our intimate growth had been stunted by my choice to save it for better people. There’s me n my open relationship, looking to close you out when I meet someone else. Just like you, imposed on us, dickhead.

Okay tho, I’ll simmer down at this part in the saga, when the real reason the light at the end of this tunnel lit the way for a better tomorrow forevermore.

The Gym came inside me as the best rescue imaginable.

Returning from the Bahamas with my demoted friend, I began again of course, creating a new life out of Self-Love. Firstly, the side piece smoked cigarettes, American Spirits, the same brand I bought baggies of to smoke spliffs with. Well, that connotation is out the door! I trashed my green american spirit baggie and never bought another one again. Cold turkey is not merely a name of an action; it is a physical feeling which overcomes your body as a withdrawal effect. Winter just onset. And I was clinically frozen from the inside. Always a thin girl, im often a tad chilly, but the ice that formed in my blood when I got off nicotine was extremely uncomfortable. That being the case, as a resourceful means to get warm, I joined Giant Fitness. I will heat up my body with exercise. As a result, metamorphosize into a new body. It was also during this frame that I switched from coffee to espresso, on purpose, seeking to change and raise my vibration. 3 points of self-improvement would qualify my homerun for evolving into the winner I am now.

The funniest aspect of my dumb ex is that after a month of running on the treadmill at Giant, he got scared. Tables turned. It was obvious things were bad with his “other lover”, as he always let me see their drama via his phone messages to her. He guided: Jade I still love you, this side piece isn’t working out. Brooo, obviously! You leave her to come to me. You aren’t connecting emotionally with either of us. Playing two girls at once, this guy needs to have the title Polyamorist removed from his Wikipedia immediately.

Giant Fitness was packed with handsome Alpha males, one of which I planned on leaving pax for. Yet, pax asked, one Saturday morning, to come with me to the gym as my guest. When he saw every dude in there trying to flirt with me, he knew our relationship was timing out.

“Jade, i have an idea.” he said the next day.

“Sup bro?”

“I looked up another gym nearby. It has an indoor basketball court. We can routinely go together. I will ride the bicycle while you run. And then we can shoot hoops together. I’ll pay for the membership on my credit card.”

When we visited the new gym on a free introductory pass, I didn't actually like the facility. Carpets on the floor. And the clientele wasn't the hot Alpha dudes from Giant. It was a center with more diversity, which is theoretically better, but I wouldn't actually be leaving pax for anyone there. It was obvious I was the most athletic and attractive. Gym culture is one of two things, imo. It’s Giant - true athletic lifestyles with people who grew up on teams and are conventionally fit. It’s Esporta Fitness in Somerdale - folks who exercise by doctor's orders, and folks who got into the gym for a little movement but not really my type, athletically. This point would twist at a later part in my story there, but for this chapter: Know that i fell a little bit back in love with paxus from his desire to sign me out of a gym where i would ditch him for a cute boy, and into a place he knew he and i would be safe.

“I feel more appropriate here than the other gym. More my pace for getting into working out with you. It’s more expensive, but I'll pay. Plus they have a hot tub (one of me n pax’s themes was hot tubbing together).”

“Alright mate, don’t worry… let’s go for it.” 

It was that January ‘23, I got hired at my town’s before-and-after school program. The gymnastics place I worked at let me go, and they were right: “Ever since you got the flu, you aren’t the person we hired.” It is so, I agreed. People evolve, peace out gal pals. Soccer was still going, but without balloons I only had it on the weekends, as indoor was different than our Fall fields. My M-F was gonna be a split shift: 7a - 8:45a, and 3p - 6p. New year, new routine, new me.

When i showed up invited to the twin oaks new years party, it was the side piece who tried to start shyt, when i heard by my peers that she “felt intimidated by me”... & this petty drama i did not buy into. I have 30 kids in my hometown at my school teacher position. I'm keeping stories on all my children; not your dumbass.

By the Spring, the drama got too bad. My boyfriend went to Europe, without really sharing any details about why, but ensured to me it was like a “business trip”. I was pissed, because you are supposed to retire and take me on Eurotrip, but again, not every hope pans out.

On our phone call the first day he arrived overseas, he told me the side piece had an active plan to commit suicide. To ingest enough helium to fall asleep and never wake up. Uhg poly drama / a living nightmare. I again, let the clock run, severed from this whole scenario emotionally. He returned from Europe. Thank you for sticking with me through this mess, he made clear.   

Don’t cheat! Don’t be discreet! And don’t tell people you are poly and then hurt them so bad from your shitty dynamic of it, it destroys people, either via fainting from the flu or making suicide a plan. You know it’s a pretty face until she’s a mental illness patient. I have a tad of empathy because my substance abuse landed at twin oaks, but it degrades to sympathy when your route got worse and mine got better. 

I really didn’t wanna be in this relationship at all anymore. For my own health! I don’t base my lifestyle around wellness just to have an associate insult the whole idea, drag me down, and represent atrocities. As if the mismatch we were from the start wasn’t fierce enough, this component of the story gave me more unneeded stress to run away from. While I kept enough of pax in my heart, not as a true partner of mine, but as a human caught in life’s roller coaster, we continued our weekends together. Again, for not leaving me in the despair of my substance abuse, I will stand by you, and not have the audacity to leave you, too. We really evened each other out with a warrior-like companionship. Until our war was over, later.

Alright I’ve written enough context to delve deeper within the real point of this whole book. It’s all because of portugal the man! The foremost vital point of this era, from the last concert to the next one, was that I fainted & became reborn. The triumph that came out of my fall was a new kind of episode which led me increasingly powerful. My episodes are mostly themed as kinds of spiritual awakening, and this one was that, but in a more concrete cause-and-effect way. This one was shit hitting the fan, keeping the fan running, and cleaning the room into mint condition, rapidly. My elusive and mystical awakenings are magnificent; and are toned as the Universe casting me divine. And about once in a lifetime, it's gotta be one that’s just like “I had a very human experience, and now i'm more connected universally.” 

After that, I changed my pronouns. Starting out as She/they as a bisexual (and twin) is understandable. Yet, earning She/Her through the experiences that make you a Woman… that’s magical. Thank you, world, for sculpting me better, faster, stronger, and truly embodying me with the characteristics I’m destined for. Jade Made… It All, chiefs.  

~~~~~ ~~~~ To Be Continued ~~~ ~~ ~