Daybreak

Aawwwhere it goes: doing the ritual: wake up and write. 10 years in the making and counting.

Twisted reality is that my wellness practices excel me in some areas of life at the sacrifice of other important elements of being alive. I do love creative storytelling, clearly spending a lot of time/energy on producing my artwork. As we all experience lack in some departments due to excelling in others, my balance has literally always been off from too much toxic independence. 

The kid who learned by letdowns became a superhero. And that’s sad! At the age of 23, i read a book about eastern philosophy’s concept of interdependence. It influenced my line of reasoning. But while i could logicalize it’s factual role in universal livelihood, i had no trustworthy experiences of it, or serious reason showing me this concept exemplified in how i go about my living. Regardless, i always kept this word in the back of mind. Interdependence was a fantasy of mine.

Survival of the fittest. Hard work pays off. Selfishness, greed, overpower tripping. Everyone being a stranger, and remaining so because of their pain or fears. Broken hearts. Evil spirits. These concepts proved to trump interdependence in every setting i found myself in. If it’s one word that pushed me off the side of the flat ass planet, it’s ‘codependency’. I gotta be the opposite of that! Kelly Clarkson, the OG American Idol, had a hit song titled “Miss. Independent” and it fueled my desire to always be a strong female. However, behaving in extremes can lead to troubles.

My journey with mental illness is worn in my spacey aura. You catch me anywhere i’m found like there’s a openness in my head, a gap between the knowledge of Love and the feeling of it tied personally. Get me right - i’ve felt true love, yet, the factors of that have displaced me from the ones supplying it for me. Accurately! The journey is abundant in the spectrum of the human condition, and for that i am genuinely grateful. It’s work! To sustain healthy partnerships, that is. It’s play… fun, honest, energizing joy, an expression we all desire and deserve. Yet me n my imaginary friendz aren’t enough to sustain me anymore at this point in the story.

This athlete has never been touched. Sorry my strength is a direct result of never having been relaxed, or physically nurtured in a soothing manner. The chemicals in the physicality of Love have been replaced by dopamine from running on a treadmill, my brain assigning and accepting love to mySelf and art projects, and literally not experienced for me from anyone in any chapter of my saga. Do i miss something i don’t have? Longing, yearning, seeking a higher vibration, all i do is miss something i fantasize about.

An unfortunate reality is that most Disability cases are due to physical unwellness, from terrible instances from wrongfully insane people. Fights cause disabled people. My problem is that my physical discomfort is not from any awful instance, but the opposite- rooted and stemming from a lifetime absence of physical comfort. The birthright to feel each other in a loving tone has been ruined from damaged trust. Nearly every day i am on the run from the pain of hypo self reliance, while my colleagues can’t even run because of their pain from a personal connection who has wronged them. This is unacceptable, & while what’s done is done for just a moment in a lifelong expedition, it always means there is more time to build that done into something greater, beyond. 

I dunno what exactly imma share with my therapist today. Prolly complain, and then use that complaining to charge the revolution i’ve been making in my journals for 10 years relentlessly. Is the fact that i rise and grind and shine daily a function of not having anybody ever grounding me, yes. While my mania has in certain scenes been calmed by the sensation of requited love, i generally exist inside a hollow frame from the neck down. As in, my lovers swimming in my conscious stream have been there since my rebirth at age 23, yet, the tones in my bones are chillingly untouched. This has been reflective in my former addictions; the addictions i got over as a ruling of the very mentality keeping me rising, grinding and shining. 

People aren’t needed to fill in what you lack. People are an appropriate pleasure, in a circle kept small, for the sake of family, as an expression of making the best from the gift of being alive. They are chosen because of the content of their character matching yours. One a the number one sentiments i liked about ppl on dating apps was the profiles that read to the effect, “I have created myself to a place of really loving my life & am looking for someone to enhance that with”. That jawn is absolutely the correct code for a healthy partnership. When someone(s) adds their unique value to your life, and you deliver your unique value back, we come to know equality & a real formula to live In Love. 

Where the cure is the light in the darkness of disease, this double edged sword can cut your chains. For better and for worse, my self-love dedication has perhaps leaked into the narcissism which deceives me into thinking i can rely on “the universe” and escape my hurt from family and friendship gone sour. While the egomaniac is brave, delusionally capable to the point of victory, and a solitary witch, i am the one who got out of much suffering. Nonetheless, there is a whole nother set of problems from that, including my failure to build connections in a traditional fashion… but who ever said the hero is conventionally traditional?

Wow, that illustration activated my freaking soul. Okay, wanna be friends? While the starving artist is naturally madly tied up in their womancave, maybe instead of having drinking buddies and mindlessly consuming media we can connect based on how we express ourselves. An expression only you can create through your inborn talents, talents which must be discovered consistently throughout all your time. Poets at open mics, first fridays live painting, musicians - it started initially and continued for the lure of our crushes… or innate search for Love through one’s own loving display. Idk what else to say lol standup comedy was just because i wanted people to come home wit meh, tbh.

In conclusion, i do believe it is my turn to let the concept of being weak take me to a place of comfort. My most profound lesson these days is that Resilience is a tragedy. When we are forced to keep on holding our chin up and wearing a smile, it means you are living an illusory contentment, it means you are settling for less than your own decided standard, it means you are struggling hard against what should rightfully nothing at all, as life is meant to be enjoyable from all angles, periodt. I had it backwards being a feminist who stops at nothing; simultaneously, hadn’t i been, my stopping any sooner than today felt like a backwards step, or stoop, too. Anyways, im extremely grateful for my past experiences; that is one mountain i stand firmly proud atop. Ty, for the sense of mutuality, an actual ride on the empathy train, that i earned in my time chasing this GD revoooluution for like 10, and then 5, years in the making, Queenz.