i am in freaking disneyland, building a monument to my delusional thinking. as usual.
what doesn’t make any sense is the current state of affairs with respect to my totality. im tired of subscribing to any force against my real happiness. wtfuuuckk literally stop energizing the sick cycles and they disappear. does that notion qualify me to waste my time stuck in feeding the business of brokenness? guess what i don’t wanna work with that organization. when my freedoms are violated due to fronting like i believe in applying for Disability, I feel terribly false at heart.
i don’t want $1300 a month settlement. i want my birthright: loving life. You can’t herd me! Heard that? I photosynthesize. I meditate. I make art. I have people alive who legitimately are won by who i am authentically. Do i “need help” holy shyt get that toxic sentiment outta my brain. all i do is overcome obstacles and prove my value with my words and actions.
my mom is not it, chief. she triggers this whole situation mismatching my genuine persona about the process. It turns me into someone i don’t wanna be. i can understand how her life has led her to earn her ways in the world through the assistance of social security admin. i can’t resonate in why it would be my same path. it doesn’t make sense that while i admit to having a fascinating personal record with mental health and wellness, i do not feel like being a candidate for the reward of a state-issued title Disabled is appropriate for me. Even if the name for it was Superabilty, im completely careless about the medicine or m*ney provided from my condition.
Because of my mindset! I cannot subscribe to sheeple-hood once my mentality and lifestyle has carried me to where i’ve been, currently am, and plan on going. I do not identify as superior to anyone personally, yet have an eternal history of feeling mySelf in a high status; due to my natural functioning, without ever having done anything exceeding morally or legally offensive. Besides maybe getting too silly, behaving too honestly, and then hiding in my own manifestations of that.
For what? WhyYyYy. So i can stay stuck at the bare minimum forever? Not in my right mind could i agree that the best thing for me is getting a cheap direct deposit from the institutions who are at fault for causing the problems in the first place. Am i a actor of my message, or a liar? Lies get people what they want. The Truth sets yas free.
My intuition is telling me to blow off all this utterly confusing paper mail and instead emulate the happiness i deserve. Focussing on negativity gets you more negativity. im ill from waking up and performing “normal” when and where my internal monologue is drastically loud, and out of order with its own authenticity. the absolute worst sensation is being taken out of my depth. It’s like ima satisfied camper and then suddenly against my will, i have to “come back to reality” to fit into the molds, the molds which spark disordered thought patterns and unhealthy modes of operating. in times past, i can understand the necessity of that sequence, but one of the number 1 main themes really going on with me lately is that At This Point In My Breathing Time, it ain’t gonna be me in a effin falsehood existence covering up my birthright: enjoying the glorious places and people of this planet.
If you get this message in a bottle floating in our shared ocean, send me a sign. There’s not anything “my job” can do for me at this point, when my duty is calling me to follow the tiny voices inside me, evermore. Im wondering if i owe the content of my disability case to anyone…? Up to just me, i’d discontinue this process for the environment and tribe im actually for. But some of those tiny voices might be pursuing me to energize my claim for reasons that are due to those who steered me here now. Lmk, thru our shared idea of magick, what the heck imma gonna do!!
i appreciate my mother. im grateful for her role to me, and thankful for my family. yet, i can’t shake the sensation that my trajectory is better than what she can offer. Get me right - since my breakup with the objectively most idiotic losers known to man, my mother is an awesome source of care and support, and a good resource for things like gas cash to drive to cooper river and laundry soap. but yesterday after our family function of seeing my sisterinlaw in a musical, know that i was taken out my depth and joy from simply the thought of our work these days, the work on what seems like “winning” a case that proves life feels broken. Which is nowhere near, not in the same realm, very far from, how i genuinely see and understand my lucky life.
Undoubtedly, my anxiety will shift into clarity - a guaranteed good cycle i absolutely count on. So, when the mountains are high, where the lakes are dry, when im out of my mind… hope we find that we were never lost; always found our way.
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