New Words for the New World(s)

Where I come from, there is an aphorism- “No news is good news”. It is a statement heard in small-talk, a point made from someone with no updates or progressive stories about their life, or nothing in development with themselves. It’s, in my ears, a normalized reply to the rudimentary “how are you?”, signifying the steadiness of a functioning lifestyle. At best, it denotes the security of living just fine. At worst, it is a sure sign of the sheeple [*dramatic drumming* dun dun dun!].

Well the shepherd can’t herd a polyamorist! I’d like to reiterate that Poly is a commitment to the theory that ‘many loves’ in practice can be a more satisfying module than ‘one love’ framework. Thus, the mark of motivation in a poly circle is certainly the desire to personify something new. Nonmonogamy, apart from traditional 1-on-1 marriage, is the difference poly personalities feel passionate about in making society. Characteristically, we enjoy shaking up the norm (from collective conditioning), redefining our possibilities through empathy, and then unionizing mutual trust and correlated talents to enhance enjoyment of the modern world.

As a representative of Poly, in my decade of practice, I’ve heard opinions from all kinds of walks of life, from insiders of my circles to bystanders of varied support and/or critique. 

Describing poly as “primitive” is, humbly, fair enough but please do not do so derogatorily. I like to think of the word primitive dually, one side positive and the other side negative. In a positive light, I associate the organic ingenuity of our ancestors, and feel an innate connection to their stories. I love indigenous cultures, rich in spiritualism, harmoniously human, without the troubles we know from these crazy political times. To be in touch with my eternal inner cavewoman is to be rooted in my divinity as a loving creation of Earth. 

However, I can smell when someone is throwing shade at polyamory. Calling it primitive in a tone like, “I’m more evolved than you, troglodyte!” Hey, touche! I say, sure, valid point… love being a constructed concept by humans for humans, it’s subjectivity across timelines in pursuit themes history. Corresponding constructed concepts- ownership, money, all manner of ideas surrounding community / family, morality, mortality, religion - are all to be considered. I understand people asserting monogamy as superior to reflect their values system as fixed. Everybody is equally entitled, in the very free-willed world I advocate, to have a fixed set of beliefs. I dare think, nonetheless, that the average american shuns poly because it removes them from the easy and generic standard they’ve been brainwashed to in their emotional comfort zone. It is a higher challenge- taking more communication, assessing and managing your own complex feelings, requiring brilliant interpersonal intelligence - to work within poly dynamics. In our evolutionary nature, we mustn’t settle; we are designed to cater growth, and that chance is invited in poly… but closing yourself off inside a monogamous relationship is a finish line for your incline. 

I find humor sometimes in my blatant portrayal of a stereotype. Yes, I’ve heard of Mormonism and yes I’ve been to Utah because of it. In general, where I come from, the most common introductory comprehension I receive in response to my poly views would be in the field of polygamy. Please note the spelling; polygamy / polyamory. I don’t wanna get too bogged down in linguistics, but it’s important I teach that polygamy is having more than one spouse at the same time, and polyamory is having more than one lover at the same time. Spouses and lovers, the varied degrees of these titles, the responsibilities and agreements within these roles, are always unique within any group. [Polygamy is popularly heard of in Mormonism; it is defined as one man having multiple wives].

Where we really deliver power to people is when we have life partnerships without the government involved. Technically, a marriage certificate legally binds two people. Not until after my blog is famous will we be “legally” binding multiple people at once. Lol. Jk, because the reality is a certificate with two names or ten names ain’t nothing but a piece of paper. Marriage, traditionally about land, what to do with people in order to sculpt society, financial pairings, and religious ceremony, is timelessly an attribute of humanity. It’s how we perceive marriage that’s changing. 

My calling is inspired from the 50/50 divorce statistic in the american dream. The author writing this today was a kid anticipating adulthood to doom my destiny in repeating my parent’s issues. Healing happens, but I come from a nasty uncoupling so tragic, my work is to create safe alternatives to the part of our nation’s broken system half of us rightfully have no faith in believing is meant for us.

To specify my brand of Poly, and to encourage readers to relate to it like me, I am pro-long-term relationships. All my lovers are my spouses, if you will. My experience with poly as hierarchical is real, and my solutionary lesson is to make the relationship in an equal playing field, right from the start. Hierarchy happens when our own feelings about who we’re with take shape because of how we relate to them. For example - this one is my “husband” and this one is my “boyfriend”. Or, my intimacy with you differs from my intimacy with them, and you and them feel at odds about this. This is a regular phenomena in poly, and why I aim to, right from the start, set the boundary- WE are all IN ONE unit, & the UNIT relates among one another in the fashion of a marriage. The marriage is for LOVE at the core, we promise the love to never become stagnant, and everything inside that (homes, children, materialistic), is trustworthy & intended unending.  

More of why I promote polyamory towards a direction of group marriage can be credited to a term known as “serial monogamy”. A serial monogamist, in its joking terminology, is someone who actually does have many loves, just not at all interrelatedly, but rather in parallel across different eras of their lifetime. My grandmother has had 3 husbands in her interesting span. A married person having an affair counts as serial monog. But, as a Poly Professor, I love to make the point of what I like to call The Lasting Factor. 

The Lasting Factor is the point that polyamory has higher relationship longevity because your precise bond exists as itself in one-of-a-kind form. A polyamorist wants to be in the structure of poly first and foremost; then with those inside their specific relationship; and it’s not like that exists outside of itself. The security and safety in polyamory can be everlasting because there is no substitute. The majority of people hop around from one monogamous partner to another. Normalizing heartbreak, mistreating people as replaceable, just being able to use excuses personally and keep bouncing around the structure with whoever’s doing the same thing. It’s unsustainable; I’m out of that game. Basically, a polyamorist (as an ethical being) isn’t leaving their niche.

The saving grace of Polyamory as a movement is luckily the establishment of our worldwide LGBTQ community. As a cultural revolution, the event of people coming out of the closet has moved us towards a message around the awareness that one man and one woman mating for life is but one relationship style. In the mainstream acceptance of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and trans, we open up a venue for poly to actually take place.     

My draw to poly, beginning in my college years during my early twenties, is giantly- even centralized - on my own romanticism and sexuality being about both men and women. Again, lightly laughing at my own stereotype, we do not have to pick a side! The key component that seals my deal with being a polyamorist is that it allows for diversity in connections. But, remember about appropriately alleviating the hierarchy. Our duty is to be an embodiment of equality. While a mind in the gutter may rudely objectify either gender, the most important element of loving partnerships is mutually felt care from all angels. Don’t think of it like one partner gives you something another partner can't, or that different people can fill in for your decided needs. That's not real equality; that mentality is selfish, and is a faulty version of what poly is really about. It’s really about thinking of polyamory as a performance art. And acting in support of The Unit. As everyone’s supportive role synchronizes, it becomes clear in the shared senses - the diverse benefits of being in a multi-talented team.

In healthy team spirit, it is our Self-Love which allows us the audacity to love others. People like the monogamy box because their idea of love has been limited to it; but, there are infinite ways anybody can be in touch with love. One way I define love is any genuine expression of your character fearlessly, relating to people you feel important to you. Love being such a powerful source/force, people gotta feel protected in it. We have protective constitutions, and definitions about what love is not. I think though, we spend more energy on protecting a classic module of love (up against relentless proof it will hurt you) than we spend learning how else we can experience love. And I argue that this is a symptom of not fully loving oneself. Or an underdeveloped solid identity you feel confident in.     

What I’ve come to feel as problematic is people’s unwillingness to resolve insecurities caused by others. The monogamy box survives because in it, nobody has to expand on emotions caused by anyone other than their spouse. In that, it is as though we are alive with everyone else alive dead to us. This makes the loneliness epidemic. The problem is we aren’t equipped to communicate due to the mass monogamous headspace keeping us in our willful limitations. We cut off so much more possible love when we cannot feel love in others. We’re stuck. We think the insecurities are “cured” by ignoring and rejecting the cause. When we shut out any ounce of uncomfortable feeling, then hide inside a safety box, we are in denial of our total human nature. 

Fear by insecurity sabotages the myriads of positive features we might grow to experience from examining ourselves, and resolving from within. It’s not that someone else is the reason for you feeling uncomfortable… they’re a trigger, but the reason for insecurity is always an inadequate relationship within oneself. The trigger is tangible. Deeper though, it is the shape taken by resentment, in the emptiness within oneself; an emptiness we ought to fill with communication mechanisms, and education on human nature. Hence here.

   Damn, it’s sunset. Time flies when we have fun! Today’s news has been brought to you by a new day. A dawning of a new age; geared towards the goals of an improved world, at least from behind the kaleidoscope eyes on this page. I like to say that I do things not despite the mundane, but in spite of it. The revolution I wanna live in has 365 reasons why today is magnificent. I rise and shine in gratitude to answer the question, “how’re you?” daily with my own inherent truth. I pay more attention to the beauty in my backyard than the insanity around the globe. So yeah, no news is good news, when you’re unplugged from the bad news in the media and tuned into the good news that i Love you.