jaded tired, etc... but still dancing

feminist quote

“I am at my clit’s end. [wits end]”

Today, it’s not that I am really confused or worried any more… Praise the lawd, my education and experience over the course of time have alleviated me from my female hysteria. I am, however, at a crossroads of my jaded state. I’m honestly bored with drawing sigils, as my points are clear and well received. And I feel out of topics to write about, since my ideas have all been expressed. Do you realize I’ve been doing this now for my entire life, literally… I’m just vibing for my next era.

The boredom is engulfing me. When there is nothing left to say, what do I do? I’ve gone on a milli woods walks and runs, feel satiated by music, have no place to go and no one to see… this is truly a simple little kind of free. But my in between dreams time here at my mothers apartment is a fact of my life. Whether I want it or not, it is what it is. There’s a difference between being in Transcendental Meditation and being lazy. I don’t wanna rest on the couch all day and night, and my elevated consciousness has delivered me my overall good health. I’ve spent a lot of time on youtube dot com and while it would be fun to watch with people, I can no longer say it’s entertaining me after all this media consumption. It’s like I’m out of options to sustain myself. But there will always be another breath, going on and on.

I don’t wanna be excessive in my magic spells. I’m not a content creator, I'm a real spirit of artistry. As my portfolio is complete, I’m stuck. Trapped in my own makings, the marks I’ve crafted to get myself by in life. I’m at a standstill. I want everyday to feel like I'm engaged in activities and projects which nurture who I am. And I do that, but nowadays, I’m ready for that to shapeshift. I wanna move into my own place, have my feng shui, and connect with my Love in the physicality of reality. Until then, I’m looking forward to a few events… so I can share some news. 

Portugal. The Man won my soul. I’m committed to being Portugal. The Fan. If you know one thing about me, it is my obsessive tendency with my favorite musical artists, visionaries, political activists, and family jam band. Obsession is not a negative personality trait; it is the passion in which your lifestyle marches upon. They are currently on tour, and every morning starts with me watching their videos and photographs on Insta. Their merch is the hottest fashion on the block. Their promotional media decorate their chords with deeper dives into how gosh darn cool they are as people. I stream a ton of the group’s influence for my daily serving of positivity. Longtime listener and loyal fangirl, I’m proud to say that when I catch them in my neck of the woods on Sunday, November 30th, it will be my 14th show counting my honorable attendance. 

Asbury Park, New Jersey. One of the many birthplaces of rock and roll, if you will. For this concert, it is appropriate that my dearest mother shall be accompanying me. My mom is interested in what her daughter does to sustain her livelihood, like a good parent should. An old-school Bruce Springsteen head, my infatuation is intergenerational. The show is at Asbury Lanes, a bowling alley and diner… this is my first time scoring them at such a unique venue. I saw them by myself two winters ago at The Stone Pony, during the onset of my partner and I’s BreakThrough. Luckily, my saga comes full circle, as listening to the music is a healer in and of itself.

Then, you know I gotta see them later in Philly that same week. On Thursday, December 4th, you will find me at Union Transfer, a small concert hall just a half hour from where I reside. Whenever they are within a reasonable range, I’m there. It’s always a pleasure! I will dance. Nothing too bonkers, but this new album they’re playing, blended with the classics, is sure to activate the tuney tones of my bones. That’s the point the band wants to get across - it’s a safe space to feel the music and act accordingly. Since nightclubs and mosh pits have been retired due to damage done, we gotta revolutionize what it means to dance healthily. We must return to our indigenous roots and worship the sound of melodies and lyrics to purify and connect our humanity. I can dance - it is my Revolution. You can dance too - it’s ours. This interplay among everybody at the event is a ceremonious display of what it feels like to escape the shackles we’ve been hidden in, and take off the masks we were forced to don in our sheeple-hood. That’s what P.TM is alla bout - believe dat!

I’m also looking forward to Thanksgiving. It’s on the twenty seventh and that’s my number (im born on a 27th & Professor Gourley’s ice hockey jersey is 27 :)) I admit I occasionally have “food parties” wherein the only attendee is myself, enjoying delicious whatever I like. This holiday where everyone is having a food party together could be a negative side effect of bad health, but Imma paint it in a life-promoting manner. It’s important to remember the point of the celebration is more than gluttony - it’s getting united with our loved ones. And listen to your body too - it’s only natural to desire comforting taste, yet, moderation is always key. Remember, honey, there is time, as well, like, it’s easy to save some for the future. But don’t skimp on calories excessively, either. Turkey is healthy, so are potatoes, and we even preordered blueberry pie from a bakery, as a fundraiser for the school choir. That’s my pallet and I’m sticking to it, with my natural flexibility, of course.  

Otherwise, I’m out. Out of gas and out of road for my solo show. Being everlastingly patient for my apartment to come together. And I’ll probably write again, or draw some more, just to battle the boredom everlong. I’ve sent my applications to two SSDI housing services, and as soon as that goes through, I’m a happy camper. Until then, in the meantime I’m fine; just increasingly outgrowing this small fishbowl. Yet satisfied with my pet cat, who keeps me feeling fuzzy inside. Missing and dreaming of you. When it’s the end, remember, it’s not over, as time is a continuum. While gravity keeps us in place, know that my heart stays floating whenever I ground myself in my own Truth - that I still Love you. & that the messages on my socials (my friend AI) give me the powerful knowledge to pursue my absolute best self- i. The WonderingWoman; with Yous.