Sag Szn

Today, I have an online meeting with my therapist. In my diary, I’d like to share what I will be sharing in session. This is so my partnership is clear from past negative trauma, and I can return to my intrinsic state of being a lover of life. 

What’s going on with me is that once I quit smoking, my intuition has delivered me the news that a reunion with my partner is in the making. That is in fact what is meant for me, in the purpose of my life story. It’s excellent, as floating in and out of our togetherness has been a theme for quite some time, and I wanna be ready to let bygones be bygones. In order to do that, tho, I must rant on here for a bit.

The style of our partnership was simple - I will say, “yes and” to any and everything, as we make our ways through our shared world. And I proved my worth in that, even when times were stupid. What really happened at the instance of our falling out, was that the one narrative he kept feeding me about his solo poly lifestyle got way out of hand. People were committing suicide, and I support the right, but not at the cost of my own health and wellness. In the tone of those who are all, “If you wanna get gay married, go right ahead, but leave me out of it”, I really couldn’t care if someone (I do not love) wants to do what they want. Particularly because this person was a problem right from the start. He always kept secrets from me about this issue. But, like the genuine person I am, I improvised every season of us. And kept my life source with twisting balloons, poetry, music, and illustration. It actually made perfect sense in the way my partner told this narrative to me over the course of like 2 years. Which is why when we ended, I was happier. 

Just because my partner was giving access to those who wanted to take their own life, doesn’t mean I have to share their suffering. I got sick to my stomach and brain about his hidden relationship with this suicidal person, and thought that Everyone Belongs Somewhere. If that somewhere is buried six feet under, then so be it. He even had suicidal tendencies himself… Half of his life was pro-healthy choices with me, while the other half, hidden on the farm, evidenced self-loathing, guilt, ugly sentiments, and self destructive behaviors and addictions. I wanted out of these toxicities poisoning my wholesome identity. 

I was mad my intergenerational partnership fell apart due to what was apparently early onset death syndrome - something I came up with when it was obvious my partner wanted to be the sad and lonely man he was before we met, without positive regard for the themes we lived in which were supportive and life-affirming. He was a bitter heart, too far damaged for me to understand how to handle. His poor other “girlfriends” were all just as awful. I had to rise like a phoenix from the ashes, again, and keep being true to the Love instilled in me from my New Jerseyan family and Californian chosen tribe. Leaving it all behind, to perish, without regret, since it was super justified. 

Alas, times are a changin’. What I thought was the finite finale has only been sculpted and redefined over the course of my soulsong. If you really believe in euthenasia, as my partner and I agreed we did but had a tricky time with that playing out, then that takes time. Time out, that is, from us to being “attached at the hip” either in person or on the phone with each other 24/7. I think he fought with me on purpose for us to break apart, so he could take care of some “unfinished business”, free from his commitment to me. To keep me in the correct headspace for me to embody the women he really wants/needs me to be, and naturally am, when contaminations aren’t in my stream. That was ongoing in our 5 year time together, and remains true to me these days.  

The story doesn’t take place on a linear timeline, because it is material for the Soul, so I can’t trace it on the black-and-white timeline. It’s a living organism of a story, alive and taking shape over the course of my walking and talking time. I’ve been anxious beyond measure about his dealings with others, and I let all of that go when I was saved from my lifestyle as “his”. The very title “Best Booh” and/or “Primary Partner” inflated my sense of self-importance, as if it wasn’t enough already. Well, you sure do treat me like an abused wife, I thought to myself on the occasional times of our turbulence. Nonetheless, we always had “makeup sex” or “makeup adventures” after the interference from hatred. We were just a regular couple, despite the giant gap in time between our birthdates, it never felt like we missed a heartbeat. And he never laid a hand on me in violence, so my only deal breaker that I would stop saying “yes and” to, stayed intact.

I suppose what my senses are delivering now is that he’s closing the loose ends from his past in sequence to be available to me, in a higher love type of manner. I don’t wanna text him to confirm this, because I am content living in my dreamlike state of energizing this as my reality, in a slow pace. When the timing is right, which is when I am set up in my apartment, he will be done; done one era and moving into the next (in unison with me). He’ll be finished helping needy people, dealing them drugs, exchanging money with them, and using their bodies. This formula he was caught up in is a cycle that can be shaken gone, so long as you are a good man with me, a good human myself. Now, do I really want someone with such a traumatic past, well, he never showed ME anything but a kindhearted type of connection. Because for 5 years I was clearly saying, “I don’t care what lies in your past, now we’re together, let’s be good as a unit”. Because he was a real lover of the content of my character. I could feel that in every phone call, in every outing, in every work date, in every moment we stayed together for the long haul.

I do not think he’s really turning elderly and dying, even though he said that to me the night of our breakthrough. I think that’s what he strategically told me to be comfortable enough to end things… but nowadays, that was just a line in a song. I got scared when he seemed engulfed with the unhealthy trait, scared enough to agree to quit our relationship. But what’s surfacing in recent times is that he wants the longevity I do as well. When we used to go to the Gym together, and he rode the bike while I ran the treadmill, it was the best positive transformation of my life. So I just want that to be the case, and not fall victim to the myth that our lifespan is over when you reach a certain number. Especially because if you’re Polyamorous WITH me, not against me anymore, there’s gonna be a lot more breathing happening, and that’s a fact I’m willing to experiment with.

Okay. I do believe that covers the nature of my issue this fine morning. Rest in peace to the demons who have been slayed along the way. Rise in power to me, the woman from your favorite feminist monologues on ManyLoves. Death to those who inflicted poison in my old stream; literally lol. I don’t give a flying fat rat’s ass who you are, if you ruined part of my partnership with your toxic personality, you deserve to be banished to a graveyard. I think my mans be proving that, in all his knight in shining armour I see in him, in all my delayed gratification. Gratitude is my namesake, that’s Tyde for ya, but these days I’m going by Coleman because I am a happy camper. Because the magic in the universe has allowed both me n my boo the time and space to perform our respective roles, in an amiable revolution. If it’s one thing I just wanna be with my one wild and precious life, it is a Revolutionary. That is to say, we fought the battles, and we won the war, simultaneously… the nuclear war, Vietnam, the cold war, Afghanistan, idk too too much about the shitshow media but across generations, we really do represent PEACE. That’s the real love I’m talkin’ ‘bout, which ain’t transitory or fading away, as it only gets stronger and better with time, just like we do. Wave out <3.