Talking The Tea

All’s well that ends well. This start of my story says that my therapist appointment went quite excellent. I processed a ton of negative emotions, &, blossomed in my maturity. I spoke about how my senses are a driving source building my future. A brilliant future that mustn't have residual remnants of the impurities my partnership had in it during previous eras. In order for that to be the case, I must state my boundaries.

No phone addiction, no sketchy people, no misinformation fed to me. Only honesty in Truth, acting in accordance with our shared heartsong. I hated being submissive to a power imbalance, but hey, what is the best improv actress supposed to be, when the alternative is much worse. I didn’t wanna lose one of my many Loves, until I did, then I gained the clarity necessary to keep on carrying on. I’m serious when I say my ex’s cell phone was pistol whipped out to me, and I hated being a member of the intentional community. Too many troubled people infected our harmony. It sabotaged my Luv of Liiife. But one broken deal just makes space for the next deal sealer. Which is my hope, of both of us unjoining the flippin’ cult.

Cut out the gofundme scams too. I hated the way he chased m*ney as a means for “survival”. And having shared the balloon business, it was the most unsustainable waste of joint income I detested spending energy on. While I understand a criminal record disqualifies you from access to the economy, it’s important to accept your fate, nowadays, and really quit the system entirely. Because if you are with someone like me, I can alleviate your stress. I’m willing to pay for my partner if and when he is fully connected and committed with me, multidimensionally. Quit “working” and start playing; life is a fun scene and the real struggle is in the past. If we can settle this in agreement, we can live happily ever after. 

We won’t be having to talk to anyone else. It appeared to me that all those people I met along the way in our 5 year story were just folks he was involved with for sketchy motives. Pot, prescriptions, housing, the facade of being polyamorous, his calculations in getting by in this world were problematic. But blocked from earning a regular living, it was all that could be done. And I didn’t care, woven into the web myself, but I have a squeaky clean record. Which qualified me for earning Social Security Disability Income, the resource of what is talking now. I have always been an earnest, wholesome, and innocent spirit. That’s why great fortune is granted to me. Lucky in nature, I wanna be the winning lottery ticket for my partner's escape from toxic Samsara (bad karma cycle) and into the natural bliss of Sahmadhi (good enlightening cycle).

Left alone, we were great. It was always the little bugs and the dog on the side pricking us with annoyances. But his die-heart assertion to manage the intentional community left me in the dust. I believe that as I’ve processed our chapters in my solitude, it comes to fruition that he illustrated what his life was like over the course of 35 years. Rather than just flat out tell me all the anecdotes of what being him was like, he illustrated his life story to me. And it’s not the most joyous melodies I danced on him in. I have a lot of compassion. Not a dab of pity; I feel for his complex emotions, and ways of taking care of himself and his chosen tribe. I was really incredibly young when I came on the scene, and always will be in relation to this relationship, so the correct way to deal with me is, in my honest belief, the ways in which he did. He always called me his Favorite, and I always made sure to embody that title I loved, since I genuinely loved the content of his character.  

I remember when Tyler, 25, wasn’t it for me, chief. When I really swore I wanted to be in an intergenerational partnership. And that takes a lot of stamina because I have to be the best supporting actor of our cause. Even when his financial status is in shambles, from forever, it doesn’t phase me out. It motivates me to be a sugar (butter toast) momma. I don’t care that your troubled past has many times in ruins. What I care about is your readiness for me, for us, to unite in Love, and let everything fall together because of that. I allow the magic of the universe to provide for me, and my generosity from that ripples into what I want - for my own happiness, which is in fact being with the man who I am truly in Love with. 

People at church ask me what I do. And my answer is, “I’m retired”. And they look stunned because I am clearly not of age to have spent 40 - 60 years in employment. But a bohemian like yours truly lives for it. I’m done working. I never have to go to a job again. Because of my medical condition. Which is really my destiny, after being in and out of hospitals and mental health treatment since I was a teen. I deserve freedom, and to be graduated from dead-end jobs for good. Can’t you see how my partner and I really are a good match? I sure as heck can. I just want him to be present living in the moment with me, in our lil sanctuary. And then to actively be with my partners who reside on the west coast. Which is a blessing that will come on its own time; but first, lock in with the apartment in NJ, then being bicoastal can be a reality. Voices in my head telling me this and I gotta follow them. Thanks for following me back.

We always played basketball together. Tennis too. And the handheld Nintendo Switch, we were really into Animal Crossing together. I bet you my partner could draw if we did it together. He is a talented writer, but I want the material to be over the commune and into poetry about him and I. I imagine our second round together to be full of joyous and glamorous times. It’s amazing what we both can do, when set free from trauma. That’s the wishful thinking I’m on this beautiful morning. Also I think we can dance! Singing too. There’s no shortage of fun we can embark on in unison. Still will be a smoke-free habitat. That’s a pride point for us. I’ll most likely get a new used car for us to tour around towns in. We loved going on walks, any and everywhere. Much of our past was perfect, and my intention is to continue in that fashion, just with the abolition of wage slavery and poisonous people. That was the issue rooted in our commune life, so if we collectively rise up from that, I know we will thrive together.  

My top choice for apartments is called The Village of Cherry Hill. It is a housing complex for people 62 and older and people with disabilities. Rent cost 30% of your fixed income, so it’s affordable for me. It has a wooded walking trail surrounding it, and a tennis court. I drove around it with my mom recently and it’s super quiet and quaint. There are 149 units, and I’m praying one of them has my name on it. When I scanned over my application two weeks ago, the lady working the office said “the waiting list is not long”. Hopefully that means I can move in sometime in December or January. My plan is to be my own advocate and follow up with my application this Wednesday. “You said the waiting list is brief… Does that mean an opening in December or January?” I will inquire. Because I am bursting at the seams here in my mother’s place. I do not want to reach out to my partner until my place for us is set up. I have nothing to talk about until my offer for him to come to me is ready. I’m just gonna cut to the chase and invite him back. And my intuition is streaming, yes, that is the correct mode of operation. 

Until then, nothing. Patience. Jadedness; yet contentment. Excitement for the future and the beauty it’s sure to encapsulate alongside my beloved(s). Proud of my man for fixing himself and prepping to be the one that I want. We’ll have such a fantastic time playing partners in our new place… gone are the stressful times it takes passing in order to win what we both want ultimately. Grade A+ on my tests to prove my value as Truly Yours, tests I’ve still been living in during the airplane mode we’ve had each other on for a year and several months. Grateful for the much necessary laissez faire growth I’ve sprouted as a result of being without him throughout the filing of my SSDI case. That’s a battle I can march on in solo, just like you in all your side quests, marching back towards me soon enough. Until next time, ily!