Starting Over

“I never get people who say they are an old soul. Like, why haven’t you escaped the cycle of Samsara?”

Hindi chick on twitter. Haver of Kundalini Awakening. Could be funnier and thinner. 

I rarely get out. I barely have anything to do these days. So when my brother invited me to see one his Djs play a set in Philly, I was alla bout it.

Riddim is actually pretty cool. Electronic dance music has a ton of variety in its nature. Sometimes it’s musicians who are more mellow, and sometimes it’s kind of crashy and thrashy. Just like we have acoustic and hardcore, EDM is the same.

 I like musicians like Tycho, Lane 8, Sultan Shepherd, these are some of the more calmer dance melodies. Jason has introduced me to the style of dubstep. It’s a bit more “electric” than the light techno or lowfi waves. Doesn’t mean I ain’t feel it, because I do, because as an Interpretive Dancer, I’m flexible. I really can nail the moves with the beats, naturally. It’s fun! I found myself catching my breath on the dance floor at the club The Ave.

Native Americans would dance ceremoniously to cleanse the spirit. Let’s hear it that spirit, I’m out here doing the same. It’s like I think about a point I wanna meditate on, and attune into my mind and body for the expression. The rave had folks dressed ever so lovely, in fishnet leggings and glitter and funky hats and craft jewelry, all decorating a pleasant ambiance. I wore jeans and a black turtle neck; my thrifted shirt was tiny on purpose so I could denote I was feeling in the mood by showing off my midriff. I wasn’t self-conscious about my image at all because i look a lil bit healthier than when i was a gym rat. Even tho back then no, no, i had nothing actually unhealthy about me, just another instance of a feminist being perfect.

I follow good vibrations, thus, am always rewarded. I am divinely protected by my ghostly guides. It’s just the manner in which i observe my surroundings and come to understand my righteous path. A path im walking and talking on as a type of Aphrodite Earthing. Trinkets are what some people carry around with them during the event. It’s in the culture to gift a stranger a trinket, typically a small toy or accessory, upon introduction while passing by. A cute boy in a Chicago Bulls hat approached me with a closed fist and when i excitedly tapped to open, 2 purple alien keychains were revealed to me. I smile wide as the American Coast wiped across my face. I have many prized possessions. I am nonmaterialistic. But the items i do keep i keep damn near and dear to my heart.

The theme of the voices inside my head, as i was a bouncing and grooving, is to: DANCE YOURSELF CLEAN.

I’m a retired stoner. As a bipolar bear, its important to know the nurture of my beautiful mind. I slipped my way into getting over marijuana. I wanted to quit for quite a while (few months nbd) and the struggle was real but recently, a click in my core had the craving dissolved. Now I'm obsessed with staying on a track of thought so crystal clear, I am afraid to touch the grass. I refuse. I havent’ an urge to put something to my lips; it's like gross now suddenly after a lifetime of it feeling good these days it would feel bad. What was once Self-Care could now be Self-harm. And I ain't about that in the slightest. Being a pothead was an important aspect of my more formative years, yet holds no relevance in my modern era and her futures. I say this again & am pretty for real this time. Alas, the trajectory of my beautiful soul (by jesse mccartney) is on par. I am free again :^].

Winning the war on stonerism isn’t found in the objective world; it’s a personal story. Legal or not, devils lettuce has done it’s intrigue upon me for the finale. It’s easy to evolve when on the horizon, a better “high” is to experience a Lyfe oh Luv. I’m not chasing chemical balances, im on the move for tango-ing with my idea of a fantastic planet, blessed with friends and family who are very pleasant to have around, in settings that are enjoyable to be in. Amid cosmic seas, all i wanna see is brilliance in being here now. My rose colored glasses are now lasek-eye surgery for a vision that truly is the greatest one imaginable; it’s the Dope Scope, yo!

What else. I’ve been working and sweating out sicknesses about people who have toxicities laced inside them who give me schizoaffective disorder. I hated a couple things about an incarnation previously I was stuck in. Because it wasn’t me, it was them/Him. When it the dismantling of my life in Lindenwold, i left trauma in the dust to triumph beyond it. I tend to get over things very quickly, it’s one of the reasons my festival name is/was Jade. Jaded Over It, amirite! I don’t make mountains out of molehills but i do mean it when i say, i had been effected extremely negatively by folks who were less advanced than me, EVIL, and broke. This is why i have to woman up and morph into Jade sometimes, to have the strength to carry on. Alas, what’s meant for you will arrive in clarity, not confusion.

My twin was teaching me that he didn’t get the message about Confucianism. I was being cute getting jobs i liked never working days in my life, but Ryan was telling me that work sucks. Actually, Aint that the Truth! As much as i liked twisting balloons, i was Stressed Dressed In Success. And Ryan isn’t a scrub who can’t get no Love, he wears scrubs as an Xray Tech & commits to his lifestyle decision. He acts as a sort of financial advisor for me ever since I've been on SSDI. He is a Respectable Man. Like, ryan is good at Life, man, he is sober and married and a homeowner and has a spiritual practice about him, my twin is doing livelihood correctly. His rare disease is managed healthily by his terms. So when it sort of sounded like he was giving me advice in some telepathic-twin doublespeak, i was hearing a sense about how my role is changing. That’s just who we are this week.

Whats coming to fruition now is how Soulmates are built and made and sculpted and in the forever in the making. Infinity, fluid not fixed, and one chance. Illustrated over the course of the ride, my anecdotes and memories are revealing mySelf into the picture more and more as i go on my daily living. 

“Boomerang” was a poem I wrote about being brave and happy to leave one busted partnership. I nailed that one ideally in utopia tbh. Fortunately, i had roots grounding me in my own mess, and i can pull my own weeds out. The essential reason i got myself into a situationship (common occurrence in humanity) was due dually- in part that reality isn’t just one dimension, and, my identity occupies those many. Kristine. The Jade… Hope that makes enough sense to pass me by. Boomerang meant I'm coming back around for yas. When all my poems start to be about 1 entity, it makes a great deal of sense that i would say abso-freakinglutely Yes to what is STILL meant for me, but had to get molded differently in sequence to actually be orderly, rather than disorderly. 

I am smart enuf to realize, the pieces of my puzzle look damn good nowadays. Getting by with a little assistance from the communities across my footsteps. I owe my Self to Being Selfless at the hands of those delivering me all around. Forget about me, i love when you really got a hold on me so i can remember the reasons ringing us together. 

Sometimes i get lightheaded when i do yoga. Im a true yogi yall. Well, it’s the motion and the breathwork, i just see little starts and freeze until it fades. I’m fine, it means the practice is efficient. Well, i remember standing up too quickly and getting lightheaded out of the hot tub. I am 5’11. We were attached at the hip. We were cool. It was emo. I caught him several times emerging from the hot tub as members of Esporta Fitness. I gotchu homie… its all gucci forreal, I’m qualified and strong it’s a good fit a nice match if you fall i’ll be there to catch ya like the rye bread book. Yaaa diiig.

And that last night we were together. Dude, im mature to get your message today, thank you. ‘For showing me you instead of telling me truth.’ Sleeping on me while standing at our concert, i held his drifting body the entire time during the last stop on tour that Winter of Summer of Luv. You can push me off the deep end as long as you’re there with those loving arms, in an ending that's just a figment. Since life rolls on. ‘Like the way god knocks us down but we come back around.’ He was a stunt performer too. Rage Against The Machine played & I mentally noted to shine on. He was always messing with my psyche. I got way too disoriented. But I healed. I honestly had a really nice era dating you and would like to this again… in an elevated fashion.

What’s next for me, ThE WoOMaN from ur fAvOriTe poetry? Idk. Nothing much. Great! After all that natural disaster, im ready to blossom and bloom. And freaking hibernate because i don’t have to work a day in my life so let your body do the dancing queen! Leveling up means healing IS linear. Imma not revert to an older version of myself and get goofy crazy when some men act like flippin… choices, words, less…. Idiocy. Blame it on the patriarchy damnit. Everyone but most will die, because im a Solipsist…that means only the ones I know exist, and they exist in my mind in our shared experience, which is totality. Also, i am a Stoic of my town! & that means i shall proclaim loud and proud that i am the person from the entirety of my Time in this very moment…the only one we've got, and that is to Embody Authenticity. I do believe that’s how you become an improv actor, rather be a poser who tries to do improv. I’ve grown a long way in my many moons of creating myself, finding myself, breaking myself up and down just to build me back stronger and better than Richard Pryor. Just kidding it’s not like im saying im an American Idol or anything i despise being pretentious but i have a diary you can read it anytime so thanksss for choosing me this glorious afternoon. I’m gonna jet, be back soon. <33333